More Great Fake News

I lamented earlier this week that the fake news does a better job of covering current events than the real news. Here is another example, this time from Sports Pickle:

A major milestone occurred today in the years-old debate over evolution and creation, when a leading creationist admitted he could be convinced that Vikings head coach Mike Tice is descended from apes.

Speaking this morning at a symposium on intelligent design at Princeton, Ken Hammond, who heads the well-known Creation Research Institute, stated that it would not surprise him if Tice's lineage could be traced to apes --– a statement that turns the evolution debate on its ear and likely threatens Hammond'’s standing among creation advocates.

I think they mean Ken Ham, who heads Answers in Genesis, not the Creation Research Institute or the Institute for Creation Research (or the Judean People's Front, for that matter). Maybe they were just watching their asses and didn't want to get sued.

This is especially funny considering the recent goings on surrounding Tice's team, the Minnesota Vikings. You see, some players chartered a couple of boats for a bye week cruise around Lake Minnetonka. The lake itself conjures up images of Purple Rain and Charlie Murphy, but the descriptions of the boat ride (cut short due to improper activity) makes Girls Gone Wild seem tame:

"They were out for a bit, and then the crew was serving drinks and hors d'oeuvres and stuff. I think the first thing they noticed was some of the women that were on board seemed to be either changing clothes or undressing. And then they went into a galley, and there were three of them in the nude that were changing clothes. That was followed by them coming out and some of them doing lap dances.... That's where it started, and then it just progressed to just bizarre."

I'll let you find the details elsewhere (I'm gonna try to keep this site R-rated, and avoid graphic NC-17 stuff). Anyway, Mike Tice is the coach of this team of sexual misfits, who may be charged with violating the Mann Act (transporting a person across state lines for sexual purposes) among other things. Tice, whom I regard as a stellar example of cronyism that causes some sports team to wallow in mediocrity, does look a little bit apish:

To provide support for his hypothesis that Tice descended from apes, "Hammond" presented the following during his talk:

One 20-minute montage of Tice'’s grunting speech patterns --– taken from his post-game press conferences -- were interspersed with monkey noises and left even the most skeptical viewer convinced that current day apes are more evolved than the Vikings coach. But perhaps the most damning evidence was the never-before-seen clip of Tice hurling his feces at former Minnesota receiver Randy Moss. Hammond then concluded his presentation by revealing that the average ape's IQ is 30-percent higher than Tice's.

I'll let them slip with "more evolved" crap, but the image of Tice hurling feces at Randy Moss is even better than Tice tearing a knee ligament while coaching. It would make a great two person Halloween costume: one person dresses up in a gorilla suit and another person wears this mask. Throw in a little novelty fake poo, and you've got the second best Minnesota Vikings themed costume ever.

So, what did we learn today:

• It's fun to make fun of creationists.
• It's fun to make fun of sexually adventurous football players.
• It's fun to make fun of incompetent football coaches.
• Minnesota is both the home of the purifying waters of Lake Minnetonka and science blogger PZ Myers.