Weekly Random Ten (1 January 2006)

Long Live Southeast Jerome Edition

America's favorite team named after a racist epithet has qualified for the NFL playoffs. By defeating the Philadelphia Eagles, the Washington Redskins are now guaranteed one more game, next week against the Tampa Bay Buccaneers (injuns versus pirates!). We are also guaranteed at least one more of Clinton Portis's alter egos.

For those of you who have not been following the best sports story of the fall, please allow me to bring you up to speed. Every Thursday, the NFL requires players to meet with the media and answer questions. In a moment of divine inspiration, Redskins' running back Clinton Portis decided to dress up in what can be best described as costumes stolen from Bootsy Collins's closet for his interview sessions. These were usually solo affairs (although he did employ a teammate to pantomime his arms in one bit), but he brought out a whole gang of teammates when he met with the media last Thursday.

Now that he knows the Redskins will be playing again next week (and he will be holding his weekly press conference on Thursday), I can imagine Portis sitting in his crib debating whether to dress up as Billy Willy Freak-a-dilly or Chief Hoozawoozadoo. I'm gonna be rooting for the 'Skins in the playoffs, not only to see Portis's weekly costumes, but also in the hope that they make the Super Bowl and he brings out the greatest of his bits for the ridiculously overhyped media day.

With all the attention Chad Johnson's been getting for his endzone celebrations (which, by the way, are nowhere near as entertaining as the Icky Shuffle), it's only natural to pull for the Cincinnati Bengals to make the Super Bowl to see what Johnson pulls out for the big game. Imagine Clinton Portis dressed up at media day and Chad Johnson scoring a touchdown and busting out the king of all celebrations. It's enough to make a sports fan forget about steroid allegations, player lockouts, and fat white dudes.

So, put on your biggest pair of goofy glasses, your favorite cape, and come up with a silly nickname. Here's your evolgen Random Ten:

1. Offspring - Jennifer Lost the War
2. Mad Caddies - Villains
3. U.S. bombs - In & Out
4. Buffalo Springfield - For What It's Worth
5. 311 - Running
6. 88 Fingers Louie - State
7. Pearl Jam w/ Neil Young - Keep on Rocking in the Free World
8. Blink 182 - Does My Breath Smell?
9. Mike Ness - Once a Day
10. Unwritten Law - Cailin